Get your mind out of the gutter! I don’t mean THAT kind of happy ending, I mean fairy tale, empowered, and full of CLOSURE happy endings. 😉
Life coaching and learning to become a life coach has taught me A LOT, like A LOT, A LOT, I mean, an infinite amount that keeps growing and solidifying. I want to and will share these lessons with you, but I have to start somewhere, and right now, what’s really on my mind is endings. Coaching taught me how to end things like an awesome powerful human and I want you to have that ability too!
Here’s some backstory and my bestest “happy ending” tools:
2017 was a big year of endings for me.
- I quit my job and career as an employee and Strategist in the fast-paced and elite digital agency world.
- I moved away from my family and friends in Calgary, my home for 22 years.
- I stopped buying into crap beliefs like: I have no real value to add to the world (that one was SAD), that I would never be able to make decent money and especially not while having a positive impact and the freakin’ time of my life.
- I said goodbye to my grandmother, a woman who helped raise me, and who was by far my greatest teacher in life.
- I stopped teaching weekly in-person Kundalini Yoga at the studio I was trained at.
- I ended a cycle of lifelong trauma and anxiety from escaping the Bosnian war with intensive therapy, meditation, and deep self love.
- I quit taking other people’s opinions and impressions of me as valid or truly important to my self image.
- I stopped trying to be anyone other than my truest, fiercest, damndest, more beautiful and loving self.
What’s amazing is that 2017 was also a profound year of creation and transformation for me. I became a full-time entrepreneur, moved provinces, built a life coaching practice and launched this brand and site! But, amidst the creation, I couldn’t help but notice the great deal of death and destruction that HAD TO come along with my new creations and lifestyle. Compost must rot before the new flowers bloom. Each beginning starts with an ending, CRAZY RIGHTTT? The cycle of life and death is a trippy and warpy to me; I never fully understood (read: fully denied and looked the other way to) the intertwined MUSTNESS of destruction in the creative process until now.
As I write this, I am 4-days out from finishing my year-long intensive life coach training program. Over the past 12 months, I traveled to beautiful Victoria, BC, for the first weekend of each month to be locked in a room with 30 other coaches learning the exquisite love, technical art, and holy humbleness of ontological life coaching.
In Ontology – the study of BEING – we are BIG on doing everything with presence, awareness, integrity, and empowerment including and ESPECIALLY when we create and/or finish something/anything. We are big on everything – I MEAN EVERYTHING – ALL thoughts, intentions, words, actions, and reactions being in alignment to our highest commitments and our truest most REAL, potent, beautiful, and sexy selves. In short, being in alignment with your highest self – your soul – is the journey, mission, and ultimate goal for you, your loved ones, and the world. Is this concept not profound?? It was for me. When I first started to comprehend this concept (being in total and complete integrity) I was totally overwhelmed with how much responsibility, care, and work it would take to achieve! It felt exhausting to me, this is because I had a very limited and one-sided understanding of what power and responsibility really truly mean. After months of coaching, and a deep yearning to really understand what it means to be empowered and in alignment with myself, I only now have a new perspective on integrity and how to apply power and love to both creation and ENDINGS.
Our coach training program, Accomplishment Coaching, was all over us being conscious and deliberate about how we ended the program.
Can you imagine? 21 new life coaches with over 200 hours of training and new clients being thrown back into the wilds of the world without the support nor consistently provided from the program? Many were left thinking about what they did or didn’t accomplish and whether the program met, exceeded, or defied their expectations. It was a total mind fuck for most, and since I can’t really speak for everyone, it definitely was for me.
The process of looking at how we wanted to end our coach training program was an opportunity – a microcosm – for us to look at our overall pattern – the macrocosm – of how things end (especially our relationships to ourselves and others).
When was the last time someone asked you to consider how you end things?
How you walk-away?
And whether that really serves you?
Or if your pattern is how you want it to go for you?
My goodbye patterns go something like this:
- If I knew the goodbye was coming: Step 1) About 1-2 months before a goodbye/ending, I start to get really bittersweet, preemptively nostalgic, and NEEDY AF! Did I invite you to tea and text you that I really wanted to connect more than once before I left Calgary? MAH BAD. Step 2) Then comes the disappointment and – WAIT FOR IT – seething resentment when other people just didn’t seem to get that I’M LEAVING, THEY WONT SEE ME FOR AN UNKNOWN LENGTH OF TIME UNLESS THEY ACTUALLY COMMIT TO THE DAMN PLAN! Ooh girl, not pretty, not peace, drama muchness. Isn’t it funny how sometimes the more you love people the more you let them piss you off? I would get hella mad because I crave connection, but you see the pattern here, getting mad and disappointed gets me the opposite of what I want: more separation, judgement, and BS resentment and boundaries. I have compassion for myself and anyone else that is stuck in this disappointment pattern because, it’s just a desperate cry for love and connection. Step 3: Option A) In the worst of times, I stay in the disappointment and leave/make the closure anyways – NOT A GREAT WAY TO GO. When I was younger I would stay in this crap resentment for years – YEARS – but now my turnaround time is more likely days or a couple weeks tops! Step 3: Option B) If the resentment hasn’t kicked in (thanks for showing up friends!) then I go into a space of sadness followed by immediately getting fully engrossed and present to my new situation/environment. Distraction is such a fantastic way to smush down emotions – AMIRIGHT??? Step 4) Eventually, the emotions catch up with me (usually in a soft silence place like a meditation or in a hot and sticky place like during a new crisis or disappointment) and the water works and feelings of sadness come pouring out like a waterfall! Once the emotion has shown up in a way I can’t ignore, I bring it to my coaching and spiritual practice and actually work through my feelings and create closure for myself along with a new and profound sense of respect for the people involved and the timing of everything in life. Nowadays, I find that I choose forgiveness and emotional release MUCH FASTER than before and usually can even skip steps 2-4 by doing so as soon as I know I will end something. This practice gives me a deeper experience of compassion for myself and others and – dare I say – even some wisdom to walk away with. So in the end, it’s all good – no, not good, GREATER THAN GREAT, better and more expanded than it began. In the end, after actually dealing with my own emotions and getting responsible for them, the goodbye becomes a happy one.
- If I didn’t know the goodbye was coming: Step 1) Immediate and profound DEVASTATION, instantly filled with emotions (skip straight to step 4 above). Breakups and sudden breakups were the worst culprits for this especially when guys I used to date would GHOST on my texts or worst of all – Snapchats – and I had to deal with the unexpected goodbye alone on the other side of a screen. Step 2) I would do everything in my power to engage in some sort of communication to clarify what the other person wants/wanted (communication is my god damn favourite thing). Step 3) If I got no response/unclear and vague feedback I would get deranged and confused and over think the situation and talk my friends’ ears off about it (thanks for the patience friends). Step 4) Amidst all the analysis, I would get angry and blamey and feel totally stuck in my feelings of being a victim to an unwanted and unexpected ending. Step 5) After a couple weeks of turmoil, I would FINALLY practice forgiveness and compassion for all parties (including myself) which would leave me feeling deep acceptance for whatever happened. It took me a lot of self-help books, meditations to even get willing to close things and forgive. But here’s the thing I realized: holding shit on people isn’t how I want to use the brilliance of my mind and emotions. I’d much rather give that attention and energy to baby animals, dancing, or learning, thanks!
As you can see, I have a standard way that I end things that is really painful and dramatic, but in the end of the end, the outcome is amazing. It’s pretty damn awesome once I get there. Now – wouldn’t it be freaking amazing if I just went there right off the bat? Like what if you and I deliberately planned to create happy endings when we knew something was ending or/especially even when it was a surprise? I think you know what’s coming!
Here are my 3 main ways to plan a peaceful and awesome happy ending!
- BEGINNING: Get clear on how endings typically go for you. Do you ghost? Lament? Make scrapbooks? Think it’s no big deal and then cry alone in your shower 4 months later? Hug everyone too much and get a lot of flowers? All of the above? Where in this pattern is there unnecessary pain, isolation, judgement, and drama for you? Be the most honest you have ever been with yourself. Get clear on how it goes so you can choose to change it.
- MIDDLE: Consciously choose the way you want something to end. Visualize it. Get really clear on how you would love to act, think, feel, about it. Get your needs met – I HAD TO exclusively drink local Calgary coffee for an entire month before I left the city and ABSOLUTELY NEEDED to see all of my loved ones and family 24 hour before I left.
- END: Commit to making the ending you want to happen. Then, MAKE IT HAPPEN. No ifs, ands, or buts! Become the person that peacefully, courageous, and respectfully ends things. Just do the thing, consciously create your happy ending.
Want to end something awesomely? Try this out and let me know how it goes for you in the comments below.
Wanna get supported by me 1:1 in the process? Let’s connect for a complimentary coaching call around any part of this process (beginning, middle, and end) or the whole dang shabang!
I am here for your epic endings and new beginnings, reach out!